Saturday, September 20, 2008

I'm glad that rollercoaster ride is over!

Wew, So I guess I'm not Pregnant. Two blood test later.... Soo I went from scared to excited to scared and hopefull and sad all in like 24 hours. That sucked.
I knew it couldn't be true, the timing is Sooo off right now, we'd need a bigger car. If it was another girl we'd have to paint amariss' room and switch her and the baby to the bigger room. I am sad though cause I've always wanted a cancer baby:( However... there is still time ;)

I treated my new friend Amy to a pedi last night. We have been working our butts off at the gym every night and then with my day yesterday, I felt we needed some pampering! I was sad that Kate couldn't join us though!

Today we're headed to the pumpkin patch. I'm excited for that!! I've been told its amazing so we shall go and have some much needed fun! Okay I must go I'm running So far behind yikes!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

God, if your listening.

I'm crying out to you, please hear me.

I took the pregnancy test yesterday, positive. It took me awhile, Aaron was excited and helped me a lot. I'm excited, and I want this baby. Well today is the day, i'm waiting for the nurse to call back and confirm. I've started spotting...

So Lord if you hear me, please protect this baby. Please stop the bleeding. I can't do this, not again. not now...

So the nurse called and said that the test was negative, but since I got a positive at home shes not sure what to think. So...I'm confused and scared. Am I or aren't I. I'm 2 weeks later, my boobs are untouchable, My Jeans can barely be buttoned. How they hell am I not pregnant.

Please... If i'm not pregnant than fine, but please don't let me miscarry. It'll kill me.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Today my life has changed.

I'm on the fence, I knew this was gonna happen. I'm just Tooooooo fertile. Yep I said fertile. I'm pregnant, found out this morning. This makes 4 kids and 5 pregnancies. Geeze. I'm scared. I'm totally scared. We weren't trying so this is a big suprise. I haven't called Aaron...I want him to be excited and to get any less than that will be devastating. I feel like I can't even tell anyone. I told my new friend Amy, she's excited for me. That made me feel a little better. But everyone else, I feel like their silently judging me. Silently thinking, you should be grateful for the two you have... Gah...

ugh I'll be back.

Just wanted to talk...

This was the name of the blog of someone I've never met. Though we have more in common than some people. We both Lost our daughters to a fatal chromosomal abnormality. I feel as though I know her.

Anyhow, I started this blog because I can't sleep. Be it the Espresso I had or the thoughts I can't shut off. So... here I go.

Friends... What is a friend and what do you consider a good friend? Sigh....

I feel that I am a good friend. I feel like I give a lot for my friends... Yet somehow I'm always lost in the crowd. Lost to that other woman, who somehow seems to have more in common with you than me. Somehow they always become someone who you can't live without.

I hate feeling abandoned and thats what I have felt for the majority of this life of mine. Luckly I have my husband. I'm glad I know he loves me like he does...Cause it sure seems that no one else does some days.

No this isn't meant to be a pity party, but how do people forget what others have done for them. How do they not know what they mean to me? I despise being forgotton and pushed aside. However I will probably put up with it. I can't help but love these people. I can't help but forgive them over and over. I suppose I only have my self to blame.... As my favorite saying goes. "You'll fix it when your tired of it" Well... I'm almost there.

Okay I'm going to bed now... I've been up WAY too late! Night.


I mourn you, I mourn our friendship. I hoped that maybe you missed me. I'm afraid I was too naive to know better. I should have know you had moved on. Silly me... Always hanging on to things of the past. Things of the past... they haunt me daily. I loved you and I wish I had let you know that more, wishing...hoping... Geeze can you believe me? Just know this. We all make mistakes, I made mine and you made yours. I admitted mine humbly. While I long for what there once was, I know it won't happen. I wish you the best. Though you will never read this....